Well Update Time. Ill Be Going To The Field In About... 3 Hours. I Just Got Back From My Old Home In New Brunswick. I Actually Injoyed Myself This Time Going Home. I Met A Nice Funny Girl With A Sarcastic Sense Of Humor That I Like. And With Every Hot Girl They Have There Friends Who One Must Sneak Around To Get To The Girl. Just About Lost That One. Got By Them Though. They Just Don't Know It Yet. Aparently I'm A Creep To Them And I Didn't Have To Say A Single Word To Be Labeled This. I Love It.
I Got To See My God Daughter Before I Came Back Too So I Was Happy About That. They Are Setting Up The Babtism For When I Come Down On X-mas. So I'm Excited For That. And I Got To Hang Out With A Few Of My Friends. Didn't Get To See Them All Like I Wanted To But I Just Had Two Days.
Last Time I Came Down I Didnt See My Ex. She Wasn't Happy About That. This Time I Told Her I Would Stop By To See Her. I Was Going To. But Plans Got Screwed Up And I Never Did. So I Take It Shes Pissed. But After The Storys I Have Been Hearing About Her I'm Not Sure I Want To. Shes Acting To Much Like A Child And Not Taking The Responsibilities Of Being An Adult. So If This Keeps Up I'm Just Going To Cut Her Out Of My Life. Kinda Like She Did To Me Once I Got Back From Basic Training. She Wouldn't Talk To Me For A Year. Calls Me Back Saying Shes Sorry And Its Not Her Fault. I Let It Go. Just About Time To Do The Same To Her I Think.
What Else Happend This Weekend..hmm.
We Were Flying To Get Back On Time. We Shaved A Few Hours Off Our Drive. But We Got Pulled Over. I Took A Nice Picture Of The Cop Talking To The Driver.

Oh. My Most Favorite Of All Things That Heppend This Weekend. I Was With That Girl Natalie At The Bar On Saturday. Her Friend Ended Up Draging Nat Out Of The Bar And Taking Me Off To The Side And Saying " Sorry Budy But She Wants Nothing To Do With You" This Seemed A Bit Strange To Me Because Only A Few Minutes Earlier She Said She Was Taking Me Home. So I Let It Go And Left. I Went To See Her About An Hour After That At Her House To See What Was Going On. and if anything just get my liquor and get out. But It Didnt Seem To Me That She Didnt Want Anything To Do With Me at all. So Its About 9 In The Morning I Think. I Just Got Up. And Nats Friend Comes On Her Msn Saying " That Pat Guy. What A Creep Eh". Stupid B-tch. Shes never even fcking talk to me yet. How does she come up with creep. whats the point of having the ugly friend if she cant cockblock any good.I think this friend of nats is one of the very few people i actually dont like. my friend said she was even giving him dirty looks that night. and he wasnt even the one going for Natalie. I Can Kinda Understand Where Shes Coming From Though. my friend lisa was with us and she didnt like Natalie at all. said she didnt think nat was good anough for me. but she knows im the only one who has a say in that matter so thats where it ended. i explaned to her that she wasnt a bad person though. Shes Just Looking Out For Her Friend. She Doesnt Know Me So I Could Be Some Creep For All She Knows. But Natalies a Soldier like me. and shes a lot better at taking care of herself then this girl just by that fact alone. maybe somone should tell her that.

 

   i feel like crap... i drank way to much this weekend. and i suck at poker. only lost 15 bucks so it wasnt so bad. and im out of smokes. blah.

 

  had a parade today. it started ruff but it turned out. kenda was suppose to come and watch but decided not to come an hour before. i really wish she could have came. this parade meant a lot to me. i kept looking over my shoulder when i was walking away after the parade. thinking maybe she decided to come and i just couldn't see her in the crowd. but no kenda. oh well

 

i know i said no sappy stuff but i wrote this in the bush and i might as well post it. its for the 26th and 27th

   well im still in meford for two days. today is the smoker so everyone is have a good time drinking and exchanging lies.
   im on duty tonight so i thought i would sneak away from the guys and write something to post when i get back. i cant drink with the boys so whats the point of sticking around. i think im still being punished for being late two weeks ago. so needless to say the last week has been getting to me. i don't show it though. just smile and ask for more. i have been smoking more then ever because of this. my SQ has even told my i should quit after he seen how much money i was spending on smokes in one week. i think i need just a little time to relax and get back on my feet. but with the way things are going i dont know if that will happen soon. it would seem i have been having the worst of luck of late. Scotty told me its that damn hair band i ware on my tac vest. but bad luck or not it brings me comfort and and thats more impotent then luck i think.
   Got to go.

i had to get up and do some of my dutys. like filling the heaters with gas and making sure the fire for the heaters didn't go out. the sergeant majer was nice anough to tell my i could have a beer. so the nights not going to be to bad. i called kenda right after i did my dutys. im not going to get into what we talked about but i hope she doesnt make the same mistakes i made. shes to smart. i think shes going through he same trouble i am right now. just in a different way. shes having trouble with school and im having trouble with work. i want this girl i cant have. she has a guy that wants her but she doesn't want anything more then a friend.
 i cut a lot of stuff out of my first entry. two more pages of me just going on.

oct 27

its 2430 right now and im alone now. still on duty and everyone has gone to bed. the guy i was on guard with did his job and filled all the heaters so i don't have anything to do but sit in front of this small pile of ashes and coal that was a huge fire only a few hours ago.
   i hate this. its nothing alive out here and its pitch black. so all i have to do is think. and i hate thinking. i mainly think about what ifs and how i could have done things different and what would the outcome have been if i did. but the big thing that has been on my mind every day that i have been here is that girl. every second of two weeks shes been there in my head. i never thought i could be so focust on one thing for succ a long period of time. dont think it helps that i keep reminders of her though. like that hair band that im usually snapping on my tacvest.
   this girl is the dictator of my moods. people could usually tell how my last talk with her went. because if it went bad i would be miserable until the next time we ended on a good note. one day someone i know told me something. im not going to say but to me it was the worst thing i could have known at that moment. i didnt believe it but i know it could very well be true. everything fell into place for this small unknown to be true. after i was told this i had a strange feeling. i felt lied to, extremely angery, sad, and cheap. this was one of the few times i just wanted to yell until i had no wind left. but i know i had know right to feel this way. even if this possible misguided thought was true. i had no right to feel lied to or angry or anything else.

Thats where im stopping. i left out a lot. i had to much time, so i wrote way to much.

 

   well im back. i didnt have to many drinks last night. but i was buying carrie drinks all night so she got a good drunk going. i ended up getting seperated from them. so i thought i may hang with kenda and her friend. lost them too. so i finally said screw it and left. dont think im going to be going out much anymore. theres no point really. i spend to much money. and i lose everyone because im told to stay put.

   i guess i didnt seem to be in the best of mood before i left. some girl came up to be and started dancing. i didnt dance back i just gave her some look. and she backed right off. dont know why i did that. she was hot too.

   i got some funny videos of jeff and carrie using there turn tables last night.which reminds me. i have to go back there to get my camera.

   is it bad that i want to go over to a third world country and possibly get killed just to take a brake from this place.

  

 

   No more sappy garbage will be posted on this site.

 

   going out to see jeff and carrie tonight. one of my favorite couples. we might be going to shots later but first we are going for a walk with there dog and watching the hocky game.

 

   well. two weeks in the bush and im back. and you know what, she was on my mined every day i was out there. today was my first day back and i couldn't wait to see her. we ended up meeting at a club and instead of spending actual time with her i ended up looking for dudkas girlfriend for him and holding beers and a purse the whole night. not really how i wanted the night to go after waiting 2 weeks for it. but nothing is meant to go the way i see it. that night i just wanted one dance with her for one song. just about got it too. but some dude with tits took it away. not going to really talk about that.
   why do i bother. why is my heart so set on this one person. i had 3 girls hitting on me tonight and i didn't have the slight interests. because i want this one girl who doesn't want me. i know that we are never going to have anything. because for that to happen she has to feel the same way i do. and if she did i would be writing more happy entry. it feels like i found this missing piece of the puzzle with her but it wont fit.
   i have the feeling she actually feels bad for me at moments. but i don't want that. i hate pity and want nothing to do with it. she tell me she want to be friends even know she knows how i feel about her. i want more. but it take two to want more for anything more to happen i guess. i wish i could just throw away my feelings. just make her one of the other girls i know that i find nothing special about. but i cant. i tried. this is my torment. i will never be the guy she wants and i cant let her go. But she makes me feel something. pain most the time, but her making me feel something is more than anyone has done for me in a long time. im so use to doing everything for everyone else. and i guess im happy shes doing this for me. even if she knows it or not

 

   Going home on saturday. i cant wait. the amazing girl i was talking about in my last entry is coming for the drive so she can see her family too. she really wanted to go home so i told her i could get her there for this weekend. almost screwed that one up. she cant leave on friday because she has to work. and thats the day the driver wants to go. so i kinda pissed him off a bit by saying if she doesnt go i dont go. and without my share of the gas and what not he cant go either. so hes not to happy with me. when i first promised to get her down there i couldnt really aford it. i kind blew $800 in montreal last weekend. but everthing worked out today. the driver told me he now has no problem with leaving later. And i actually found someone to buy my Xbox for $200 just what i needed to get down there. so the drivers happy, she's happy so im starting to get happy too.

   i was actually thinking today why do i put these posts in. i think its a way i get stuff off my chest. good and bad.

 

  i was reading some of my old posts. man i was a geek. i would like to go back then and kick myself in the head. almost want to delete them. but i wont.

 

   

   Well its been a while since my last entry. I'm living in Ontario now and I'm still adjusting. lifes not going to bad. i don't really have any friends that live here other then the guys i work with.
   i did meet up with a girl i have been around for a very long time. but never really knew her. i have just started to get to know her now and i wish i would have done this years ago. shes smart, sweet, beautiful, loving, and has a great personality. i don't know why i haven't seen this before. i guess your blind when your teen.
  shes going threw a ruff time right now and I'm trying to be there for her. she has just ended a relationship.
   i think she liked having me around and i loved being around her. it made this new place i live in feel like home. then i screwed things up as per norm for me. i like her a lot more then a friend and i didn't want to make the same mistake i always make. i don't say anything, and i end up being that really nice guy thats just a friend. so the other night when we were laying down i ask her if it would be terribly wrong if i kissed her. it took me about 3 hours to get the guts to just ask this simple question. she went still for a few seconds then slowly rolled over and told me she doesn't wont to be in a relationship right now because she still hates men. all men. and she doesn't want to get in to a relationship because she has the feeling to be with someone. oh man i had no idea what to say. i got up and sat on the edge of the bed and she ask if i was mad. i told her no because i really wasn't. but i hurting and it still does now. but i wasn't going to tell her that. i guess it was to soon for me to try and ask something like that or maybe i already got stuck in nice guy thats just a friend area. or maybe she just has no interest and didn't have the heart to just say no.
   that short walk back to my building felt like miles after that. i tried calling her  this morning before she left to say I'm sorry for asking that because i know i shouldnt have. but there was no answer. and the times that i call she should have been home. it made me worry all day because she lives there by herself.
   i don't know what to think. i might as well get Finished Last tattooed on me.
   on a lighter note I'm going to be on a run for the cancer society. I'm leaving for that soon. its a good cause and i might need it someday the way i smoke.

 

   Well im back home for the holidays. forgot i even had this site.

Kind of feels weird looking at my house right now. just knowing in a few day i wont live here anymore. Its been my home for 11 years. Its not like i cant come back. but ill know its just a visit so its going to feel funny.... oh well

Well im now part of the Canadian Forces. im leaving this monday for basic.

My best bud Josh came home from haiti the other day. to bad im leaving so soon. doesnt give much time to hang out. guess ill see him again for christmas.

This is what i posted on the army.ca forum so i thought i would just save time and copy and past it.

 

Well its now officially my last day as a civilian, hopefully for the next 25 to 30 years. And i just wanted to wish the best of luck to all the people still trying to get in, and to the people i will be going to basic with. Some times it looks like you will never get in. But if you wait it will come. I had to wait 17 months.

My trade is going to be armoured. Kind of sad that we are getting rid of the Leopard. It's what drew me to the armoured core ever since i seen it as a child. But the leopard was the vehicle of my fathers time in the armoured core. And i can only look forward to new things to come.

And once again to the people still trying to get in. Don't give up hope. I believe there's nothing more honorable then to be part of the armed forces. Good luck.

Sad news for the old Leopard C2 MBT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just got back from my morning run, and I come to realize something.... I hate running. I think I hate it more then anything in the world... Maybe i should actually quit smoking.

Why cant smoking be good for you... Like have vitamin C and E or something.

 

Kids... Dont start smoking. It's for the best.

Well its only week now before i am no longer a civilian. I have been waiting for this so long that I don't think the reality has set in till now. From the way things look im going to be living in Edmonton. That's on the other side of the country. wont be able to see my family or my old friends much anymore. Guess you could say im getting a fresh start. Nobody knows me there and i will only know the people i have gone through training with.

I guess im having mixed feelings on this. I don't want to leave my friends and the security of my family. But yet i want to make it on my own now. Seems like just yesterday i was 17 and in school. But now schools over, and all the games are done.

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I plan on keeping this site going right in to my career.

I have put a new section on my site. (Family Pictures)Its pictures of my family from all the way back to WW1. only had one of my canadian side. but te rest are of my german side. hope you like them.

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Guess what..from the way things look right now, i will be going to Edmonton. never lived in a City before. should be different. still might go to Petawawa but i dont know. Chances are Edmonton.

Ok..not drunk anymore. i was at christals house last night. cory christal leon  were there..lora got kicked out for something i would rather not say, its sick. anyways we were having a good time. had a new drink call the GLADIATOR! it was ok...the wimps way of taking a shot...poor leon got covered in paint, shampoo and shaving cream wile sleeping lol. then i don't know what happened but everyone got covered in paint. i tried to call Erika. but like i said, she was out. anyway. something happened that i mist and people were fighting..i managed to brake it up once or twice but when i wasn't looking they went at it again. im sick of playing ref at ever party i go to so i just left. i don't know what happened but when i woke up this morning my colure bone, left forearm, hip and my knees hurt.LOL..maybe i shouldnt jump right into fight to brake them up. but oh well. called there this morning to see if anyone was dead. they were all ok. mostly feeling foolish. and that's about it..

OH YEAH...i cleaned my Desk!!!

Gone to see cory one last time before i go to basic. tried to call Erika but she wasnt home. got coverd in paint.  cory got stupid so i gone home...still drunk..dogs glowing eyes are scaring me....going to bed....bye.

Well is 11:00pm now. I just got off the phone with Erika. Met her on MSN believe it or not. She's an evil little thing. But shes cute...So its ok. To bad we met at this time. Only 14 days left until im gone. Hope we can keep in touch wile im gone for 9 month.Dont think ill have many chances to get at a computer..so maybe i could write....you know.... Like they did in the old days.

Boom...Verona.....Don't ask.

Should have taken a picture of my desk when i cleaned it. it looked really nice. but its back to its normal full of junk look again....maybe next time.

I went to Nadines for a few days. found out she likes WWF....made me sit there and watch it with her... oh my god. And i found out we are nothing a like at all. I don't know how we are friend. but we are.

i took out my graphics card to clean it today. my fan is completely dead. and my cards melting or something....cant be good..i need to get a new fan or its shot.

Well its 2:30am and im bored out of my skull and i cant sleep. i cant wait to leave for basic training. it will be heaven compared to my life right now.

Most of my friend are moving on with a life or trying to stay out of jail. And im stuck here for 29 more days...WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!! I think i need a girlfriend. any takers..no..well. Not anuff time to have one right now anyway. I have a feeling this ones going to be long just becuase i hit a new record for boredom.

Lets talk about one of my fun trips with cory.
Last summer Cory moved in with me. i ended up showing him how to use yahoo chat and i wish to god i didnt. anyway he ended up meeting a girl on the internet that lived about 3 1/2 hours away. so he talk with her on chat for a wile. Then finaly they started to talk on the phone. then they got the great idea to meet. me being the only one with a car disided lets go on a road trip...we got two other friend to come along. Christal(corys girlfriend today) and chris(i think he has a screw missing).
so we finaly hit the road. and all of them acting like little kids, screeming at everything they seen. about 2 hours in i tried to race a Porsche with my little Ford Escort. lets just say i gave him a good go until he seen me. then it was over
we finaly get there. we had to talk to her for an hour just trying to find her house. when we finaly got there i just about turned the car around and left. she looked nothing like her photo. she told cory she was a runner and had a athletic built..HA. she was about 5 foot 1 and had to be heavier then me. and im 200lbs. we didnt want to be rood so we stayed and talked. even went bouling. any way that night they ended up getting a little drunk and off of the good captain... she called one of her friend and when i seen her i swear my heart was going to stop. Dunee, she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. didnt know hardly two licks of english and really shy, but that was ok. anyway i ended up finding out she liked me from her friend. i felt like a million bucks.
later that night corys little internet friend disided to turn in to a crazy person and latch herself on to cory and started to say stuff like "oh i want to have your child. oh i love you so much". and all i could see was corys face over her shoulder screeming with no sound "HELP ME". so i kinda pulled her off and told her something like "oh, corys not like that he like to take things slow" you know...just to slow her down.
i ended up going for a walk still happy about what i was told about Dunee. i came back about have an hour and i could see cory and whats her face(cant remember her name) kissing...kinda confused. they stop once i got there. i said "having a good time" kinda with a laugh. cory looked like he wanted to kill me. we ended up taking her home and left to find a camp ground. we found one. cost like 40 bucks a night and 20 for fire wood..hahaha. we just grabed some trees from the woods.
wile they were setting up camp i went to see Dunee. we talk for a wile and i found out she did like me...then she told me she had a boyfriend..GRRR!!!. and that we couldnt realy be anything at that time. needless to say i was a little mad becuase of the little leed on she gave. i was angery anuff i didnt even realize my light were not on until a guy on a bike flashed me with his high beems. i thought he was being a you know what so i flash him back just to find out i didnt have them on.then i felt like a you know what.

finaly got back to find everyone was drunk allready and talking to the campers next to us( from around our town). so i disided to have a few myself. just noticing cory puking and complaining about the tast that girl left.

I ended up talking to 3 of the girls. they were really nice people.
cory and the two others with us disided to go for a walk. and when they came back they had a load of booze. and i know they didnt pay for becuase they didnt have any money left. and then they went over to the nice campers place next to us when they were gone and took theres too. and then they left again. Three girls ended up coming back and were just about in tears becuase there booze was gone. i felt bad for them and im dead set against steeling so i looked threw my car and found there booze for them. first time i have ever had three girls kissing me at once. and they were a little concerned for me becuase i guess the got the idea that the other two guys i was with would beat me up or something... they seen them coming back and ran back into there van. i told cory i gave them back there booze and really lost it. going on like "how could you stab me in the back like that. i thought we were best friend!" cory knows i hate a thief so i cant see why he would do that to me. and then chris got into it. and it didnt really last to long as i made quik work of him. and cory ended up walking off... so i went to bed. i was close to actually leaving them there.
that morning i woke up to a RCMP tugging at my pant leg. we were lucky we didnt get charge for steeling the booze. the only way we could go is if we payed for the lost booze and i was the only one who could pay and i was tide in with them. so i was out $180 and we got black listed from the camp ground too. i think that was the longest drive home i ever had. i think i was the madest one of the bunch.. i didnt do anything rong i even returned the booze to the 3 girls next to us. but i got black listed and was out a $180...so i got the most punished for somthing i didnt even do...Lifes Great!

 

oh and if theres a lot of spelling mistake and grammer. im really tire. so thats why.

Well i got bored today and put some of my toys i got from ebay on the picture half of the site.
Lisa and i are going on base to see when Josh is coming home today at 7:00pm ...i dont want to go but lisas makeing me...grrr.

Oh yea. Dont get Lisa mad, or she will throw stuff at your head!

Well i was appalled to find out Lisa has never watched any of the Aliens movies. So i rented all of them and made her watch them with me...For educational purposes only mine you.

Well i ended up going back to Nadine becuase i forgot my wallet, and ended up staying another night. she must have been happy i was there for a few days becuase she cant cook and i love to.

Shes having trouble with this months rent so i thought i would be nice and give her a 100 dallors just to help out. but after this month everything should be ok with her rent so thats good.

She seems a little mad that im leaving for the military soon. has some kinda feeling i will lose touch i guess. but dont worry Nadine, i wont...Smiles!

Just got back from Nadines. we had some fun getting drunk over the last two days... we will have to do it again before i leave.

Just got back from the movies with lisa. we went to see Dodge Ball. i rate it a 5 out of 10 for me. it was not bad and it had its moments.

Thats all for today.

I was at the canada day thing with lisa today. it was boring so we disided to head home until the fireworks start up. yup...thats all for today

Might be going out with the guys for canada day. Corys not allowed to drink so i cant see much of a problem there. I hope.

Cory is back home now. he has been to court already. it wasnt as bad as I thought, so I guess thats good. I guess.

Christal called and told me that corys out of Blackville jail now. hes walking home right now. HA HA HA

I finally got word from Christal about what happend to cory. I new he did something! hes in jail right now still up in blackville.i have an idea of what he did from talk up there. but i still cant believe he would do something like that, becuase of what hes has at stake. I told him to act like a normal human being when we get there. i would have had a better chance talking to a wall.

I hope he didnt do it. I hope it was a big misunderstanding. but i have my doubts.

Oh Yea...going to vote today..woohoo

Dannielle promist me some interesting pictures from her modeling, just might post them.

I just got back from my trip to Miramichi river. i wish i could say it went well. nobody would let Leon and I fish because most of the good spots are private. and i think Cory got into some trouble because he didn't come back to camp that night.we couldn't fined him anywhere. Christal said she seen him earlier that day when she was heading to the store, or back from..cant remember. He was already drunk and going back to the liquor store(alcoholic).the trip was turning out bad so i finally said anuff and went home.(last trip ever with Cory)(Cory was left behind becuase we couldnt find him)

I just wanted to be safe, and not get into any trouble that cory seems to attract. Especially when he is drunk.

I got some nice pictures. Ill post them soon.

Hope you all had a better weekend then I.

Oh ya.. the people from Blackville are the nicest people you'll ever meet. i thought i was in trouble becuase a Police Officer waved at me as he drove past.i was trying to figure out what i did for a second. But he was just saying hello...not use to that...its a good place.